Welcome
This is my no-chill zone. You should expect absolutely nothing of me. This is where drafts and thoughts go to die. It will not have pretty design. It will not be linked on my homepage. All art will be linked back to the original source.
3/8/24
Been real under the weather lately. Tired as shit. I'm thinking: at least winter is almost over. I get annoyed when other people try to solve my problems, but optimism and distractions are good. Dishes are done. The dog is sweet. It's quiet here. All of these things have merit.
I've been writing a lot -- likely because there are other things that need doing. I'm the queen of procrastination. I am procrastinating as we speak. Trader Joe's soup dumplings for dinner. I could use 24 hours to myself.
My unoffical haitus is coming to a close. "What hiatus?" I never went on hiatus here. LizOnline is here for me 24/7, 365. No, I'm getting back in contact with everyone I couldn't prioritize while I was in __. How do I feel about this? Tired, mostly. That might just be the general mood of everything, though. I am so goddamn tired. It's late winter, early spring, but I feel caught up somewhere else.
I'm getting the distinct impression that this is going to be a stream of consciousness that I may need to move over to my writings page.
Here goes. I got back in contact with my fandom friend. I didn't expect to have connectivity for the entirety of two months, but we all see how that turned out. After I told her I was going to be offline, it seemed good to stick to it and maybe actually go offline for a while, which worked for the most part, the exception being Earthy. I went through periods of time where I genuinely didn't have signal, and periods of time where I did have signal but chose to prioritze other things. Anyone who has been friends with me for an extended period of time knows that I go off the grid on a fairly regular basis.
Now two months are over, I'm not where I started, and everything is different. I'm not sure if I can put it into words or not. My life is is fundamentally the same, but two steps to the right, and I'm tired as all hell. I wake up with the sun. I never remember falling asleep. The other day (I had to check my camera roll to remember what happened, exactly) I saw a sunset that belonged on the cover of a synth album. Gentle pastel peach gave way to vibrant dusk blue. The moon was almost full, white and round. I took a picture. It didn't turn out right. The next morning, the sea blended into the sky, the division microscopic, and we drove for another four hours. The islands wouldn't have looked out of place in a sea of clouds. The division disappeared. I imagined flying up to visit those mountains among the clouds. I'm still in a place where none of it feels real. How could it possibly feel real?
My fandom friend is none the wiser. In May, she commented to say that she'd reread my (previously) abandonned fic 9 times. I managed to complete it in October 2023, exactly a year after publishing the first chapter. I know for a fact that the last few chapters would not exist without her and the support she provided.
After we exchanged Tumblrs and Discords, she got me into GX and PMMM and, with two successes under her belt, she's been trying to get me into Touhou, Love Live!, Honkai Star Rail, and Genshin Impact. She sends me 100 messages in an hour between shifts at her full time government job. Someday, she's going to tell me the exact minute she was born and it'll sound as natural as anything. I don't talk to her about myself, I like things better this way. I'm not sure if I missed her. I have a hard time missing people.
Where was I this time last year? I had just desisted -- an experience that I'm never going to put online. Subsequently, I lost a number of my friends and went through a nasty break-up. Despite this, I was somewhere between introspective and upbeat. I felt lonely a lot. I recorded hundreds of voice messages as a way to process thoughts that my loved ones weren't ready for. I threw myself into creating a new wardrobe for myself, the worst selection being the brown-and-yellow sweater with side slits that I only brought myself to get rid of last month (ashes to ashes, thrift to thrift). My hair has since accumulated a year's worth of growth. I cut it all off for the first time in second grade, and it more or less stayed short from there, so this is the first time I've seen my hair long with this face. I can't picture the woman I'll be in another year. She might have buzzed hair. Life goes on and I'm willing to embrace the unexpected. In the mean time, I'm comfortable here.
. . . if not a little bit tired.
